The Art of Words.* And Keys. And Locks.
*the effect of words on s*x. Or shifting the sexual frontier in mere moments
Getting a clear sense of someone’s deepest kinks or desires usually, truly does not happen in the first hour or meet-up. The dynamic with one person can be totally the opposite with someone else, with chemistry being the unpredictable and fickle thing that it is.
To speak something that really feels like a key clicking in the lock in the mind of a partner, I think it comes down to an interplay of how their desires work with my own.
I can’t count how many times i’ve spoken something during play, and the feeling of the metaphorical key having been turned. I’ll get a look in the eye, “Do you really mean that?” “Yes…” I respond. And you can imagine the ploughing that ensues.
Attaining this awareness of what will get us both off comes down to investing intimate time with someone, also where attention is held. I watch lovers and their response when I hold their head, or throat, or when i’m a little harder on their skin. How they are when I start gradually using dominant or submissive language, depending on what my instinct is telling me, not about this preconceived notion in my head that I'm either this or that (also fine). I crave for myself and my lovers a space to go beyond our everyday reality and roles.
I've also been turned straight off by someone’s words. If this has happened to you you’ll know how disappointing it is. If I feel like someone will enjoy derogatory name-calling, I won’t assume it.. I’ll ask them. What words do you like to hear? Can I call you xxx? Is it worth taking a chance in making assumptions and risk ruining the mood/turning someone off as quickly as a hot or cold tap? From experience, I’d say it never is.
S+x would be better if there was more talking. From simply asking how the pleasure is, to directing a lover to an area on my body with more sensation. There’s all too much to be gained (enhanced mutual pleasure! a true meeting of erotic minds!) from such a simple act.
Can I go as far as to say the brain is an erogenous zone? For me at least, it is.
When a client comes to you inexperienced but with a clear idea of a scenario in their head, what can they expect when you finally both meet?
L: I keep on having clients who are new to BDSM and, somehow, I feel like telling them something like – if you want to play, be aware of the importance of challenging yourself, of deconstructing some of your assumptions and to really know how to listen to your partner.
E: I prefer general things about the set-up talked about beforehand so we both know how things will be instigated and how it will run. I don’t think I’ve met anyone asking for a vague ‘bdsm date’ request, it just doesn’t really cut it. I like to know what the scenario will be. Once we meet, we’ll chat and warm-up to each other a bit before, to get a sense of each other, maybe while sipping something delicious. I find that all we’ve already talked about tends to flash in my (and my partner’s) head during this time which adds some electric edge in these first moments together.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I reemphasise the need for a lot of communication throughout the date (especially when I’m in the submissive role) as I want to enjoy the time and relax into things just as much as my partner.. I’m more comfortable with surprises happening after a few meetings, not really in the first. Spoken words are so hot. its important (and sexy…) to verbalise your intentions and what you want. Actually, I think this goes for all sex.
And so, here is a brief but rather lush snapshot of some key takeaways of two experienced kinksters looking back to their accumulated years of boudoir experiences. Reflecting in hindsight about that “gut feeling” that was telling us “this doesn’t feel right”, “this feels aligned”, “this is mind blowing”. From the first (perhaps wrongly ignored?) red flags till some cut-glass almost perfect sessions in which magic unfolds, there has been a very conscious reflective learning process in between. It might sound like a cliché but it is indeed the ingredient for a safe, sane and consensual kinky session: communication. Get to know your partner well prior of the session, consent can be well erotic if you find the right narrative to describe your fantasies. Check in during the session, understand you partner might be in a sub space and hence not as verbal as normally. Do not take assumptions and, focus on setting a real connection away from what’s supposed to look “performative” within BDSM imagery.
Good luck all in your juicy endeavours!
Xx
Eve & Leti
